


we will find a way through the dark

by whatdoiknowx



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-16 21:04:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13644408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatdoiknowx/pseuds/whatdoiknowx
Summary: Phil is always there through the bad days, even when it hurts.





	we will find a way through the dark

It was 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and Dan hadn't gotten out of bed yet. At least not as far as Phil was aware; he thought he'd heard him get up at one point, probably to use the toilet, but he hadn't emerged from the bedroom after. Phil had gotten up sometime around early afternoon, leisurely had a shower and worked through some emails he'd been neglecting. 

It wasn't that strange for Dan to sleep in until noon, sometimes later; Phil often slept just as long. They'd been up late last night, binge watching a television series until the early hours of the morning. They had nothing important to do today, and Phil had only dragged himself out of bed because he'd been awoken by his bladder and couldn't fall back asleep after.

Still, this was rather late to still be in bed, even by Dan's standards. Phil had started to get a niggling suspicion about an hour prior, but he'd pushed it to the back of his mind as he continued to reply to work emails while sat on the living room couch. It had been years, but Phil still sometimes had trouble admitting to himself when this happened. 

Dan had been better lately. He'd gotten so much better over the years, especially in the past year. So much so, that it had seemed like ages, a few months Phil thinks, since Dan had had a bad day. 

Phil knew there could still be bad days, still would be bad days. Even though Dan was off the drugs, was working hard every day to take care of himself, it still happened. It had been so long though, Phil had secretly hoped it was over; that Dan would never have to suffer like that again. He knew it was foolish - he knew enough from conversations with Dan, and through his own research, that it was never really over. But sometimes Phil liked to ignore the negative aspects of the world, liked to live in his own dream world where everyone was happy and lived forever and everything was okay.

He didn't even know if that was really what was going on today. He didn't know, but he did know. He had that feeling in his gut, the one that was forever connected to Dan, that told him something was off. 

Finally, Phil worked himself up to get off the couch and venture into the bedroom. He found Dan in bed, staring up at the ceiling, his eyes open but vacant. He hadn't noticed Phil walk into the room, almost never noticed when he was in this state.

Phil took a deep breath, purposefully walking louder than normal into the room to get Dan's attention without startling him. Dan turned his head slightly, his eyes looking in Phil's direction, but with no connection, before turning his gaze back to the ceiling.

Phil took another breath, trying to keep his emotions under control. He should be used to this, but it hurt every time. It hurt to see Dan like this, to see someone who could be so full of life suddenly be so empty. Selfishly, it hurt to see someone he loved look at him like he was a stranger.

Phil knew not to take it personally. He had at first, before Dan had admitted what was going on with him and started seeking help. He had wondered what he was doing wrong, why he wasn't enough to make the person he loved happy. He'd spent countless sleepless nights thinking about how he would never be good enough for Dan, how they would never be good enough for each other, when Dan could go days without talking to him, without even looking at him. He'd even sometimes felt anger, anger and sadness and loneliness at the fact that Dan would abandon him for days, leave him alone without his favourite person to talk to and hang out with and just _be_ with.

But that had been years ago, and he and Dan had had dozens of conversations since then. Phil still felt those same emotions sometimes, but he had learned to express his feelings, to let Dan in on how this affected him. He had been so terrified of hurting Dan more, of making this all harder for him. It was difficult and a long process and the conversations weren't always the easiest, but Phil had eventually learned to let himself feel, to talk about it when Dan was through with his bad day, or days. They were a team, and Dan was just as much there for Phil as he was for Dan. Phil knew that, had always known that, but it had taken some time for himself to believe it.

In the same vein, Phil had also learned how to be brave during the bad days. Which is what he was going to do now. It would hurt, it always hurt, but he was strong. Dan was strong. They had both proven that to themselves over the years.

"Hey," Phil said softly, walking over to the bed and sitting down. He rubbed a hand gently over Dan's limp arm. He paused as he contemplated what to say next. _How are you feeling?_ seemed dumb. He knew how Dan was feeling. 

He had learned that being straightforward was usually best - no matter how much Phil still struggled with that in his own life - so he decided on that approach. "Bad day, huh?" he murmured. He gently cupped Dan's head with one hand, guiding his face towards Phil's.

Dan nodded minisculey in response, his eyes still vacant but at least looking in Phil's direction. There was something else too, a sadness deep behind the emptiness. Phil knew this killed Dan inside, how much he hated having these days especially with how few and far between they had been lately. He knew Dan had trouble feeling much of anything on these days, but deep below the emptiness he felt sadness, and still a tiny bit of shame. 

"Do you think you can get up and maybe have something to eat?" Phil asked, tentatively. Dan shook his head, then rolled over away from Phil.

Phil's heart was cracking, threatening to break into pieces. He wanted nothing more than to give in to Dan, to let him stay here for the rest of the day. He knew that wasn't healthy, though; he knew tough love was the best option. 

"Dan," Phil scooted over on the bed, reaching over to rub Dan's shoulder. "You have to get up. You haven't eaten or drank anything all day." 

Dan didn't move an inch, his voice flat when all he mustered out was a quiet, "No."

"Dan." Phil repeated, his voice more insistent this time. He forced himself not to let it waver. _Strong_ , he repeated to himself. He could do this. It was what was best for Dan; he just needed to keep reminding himself that. He got up and walked around to the other side of the bed, where Dan was facing.

"Hey," he said quietly, waiting for Dan's eyes to meet his. They still weren't focusing on him, but Phil knew this was the most attention he was going to get at the moment. "Get up and have a shower, okay," he instructed, gently but forcefully. Dan needed orders when he was like this, Phil had learned through careful conversations. He needed to be pushed, couldn't be left with options or the choice to make his own poor decisions. "Then come join me in the living room." He pressed a quick kiss to Dan's temple, then left the room, shutting the door on his way out.

He didn't want to coddle Dan too much, didn't want to crowd his space and lead him through baby steps. Not unless he needed that, of course. Dan had to do part of this on his own, to know he could get up and make it through the day. He'd done it time after time, and Phil knew he was more than capable of it. He knew it was still difficult for Dan every single time, and it made Phil proud every time Dan jumped over even the smallest of obstacles.

Still, Phil waited outside the door for the ten minutes it took for him to hear the bed creak as Dan stood up and made his way to the en suite. He heard the water from the shower turn on soon after. Satisfied with that progress, Phil let himself smile for the first time in the last couple of hours; a small, slightly pained smile but a smile nonetheless.

Phil made his way to the kitchen, preparing Dan a yogurt with granola and fruit; nutritious, but light enough that it would hopefully be manageable for Dan to get through. He carried the yogurt and a tall glass of water to the living room, then turned on the television while he waited.

And waited. Phil's heartbeat sped up a little, as he contemplated going to get Dan. He was never good at staying calm, at letting things work their way out, he was well aware of that. He didn't want to find Dan laying in bed again, motionless and hollow. Phil squeezed his eyes shut at the thought, his head starting to throb a little. God, he hated this. He would always hate this.

He just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. He wanted to cry to _Dan_ , because Dan was his person, the one who could almost always make him feel better when he was down or hurting. Which is what made this so much harder. He hated that Dan was hurting, and he hated that _he_ was feeling such selfish feelings when Dan had it so much worse right now. 

Dan had pleaded with him not to think that way, when Phil had confessed his feelings in hushed conversations under darkness. He told Phil that he was entitled to his feelings, that Phil wasn't selfish for feeling the way he felt. And Phil knew that was true, deep down, but it didn't stop him from feeling like rubbish in the moment.

Phil had just started to let himself spiral, when Dan appeared in the entryway of their living room. Phil breathed a sigh of relief, forcing a neutral expression on his face to replace the anguished one that he knew he had moments ago. 

Dan's hair was wet and a curly mess, he was wearing only pants and one of Phil's old t-shirts, and he still had a blank expression on his face. This was enough, though. This was enough in the moment, because Dan had showered and had made his way out of the bedroom. Phil's heart squeezed again, but this time with something else. Not happiness exactly, but fondness and pride and contentment. It was okay. It was all going to be okay.

Phil managed to coax Dan into eating most of his yogurt, and downing the whole glass of water and half of another. Phil even managed to convince Dan to eat some toast with peanut butter later for dinner, a small dinner but better than nothing. They spent the evening watching television, and Dan occasionally watching Phil play some video games. Dan was quiet the whole time, barely uttering more than a few sentences. He was there though, and that's all Phil could ask for, all they both needed right now.

At some point, Dan had reached out and taken Phil's hand in his; when Phil turned to look, Dan still had a vacant expression on his face, but he gave Phil's hand a light squeeze, so faint that Phil barely registered it. Phil squeezed back, giving Dan a warm smile, which Dan reciprocated with the tiniest smile barely ghosting his lips. Phil felt at ease in that moment for the first time in hours.

Dan retreated to the bedroom much earlier than he usually would. But that was fine. He'd gotten up out of bed and made it through the day. And it was fine, it was more than fine. 

Phil was exhausted by the time he collapsed into bed not long after Dan. Days like today were mentally draining, tore at Phil's heart and left him feeling a general sadness, a dark cloud looming over his head. But on top of that he felt hopefulness, and vague content. They had gotten through this, together. That was all Phil could ask for on days like today.

Tomorrow was a new day. Dan would hopefully wake up feeling like himself again. They would give it time, and then talk about today, how it made them both feel; what they had done right, and what they could do differently next time. Yes, there would be more days like today. But Phil knew as long as they both kept trying, they would always get through them.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Through the Dark" by One Direction


End file.
